A Bartender's Tale

I'm a bartender. Seemed like a decent enough job when I was starting. Pour a few drinks, listen to a few stories, go home - nothing too special.

Not as easy as it sounds. The bar goes with you. It starts slowly, you don't really notice it at first, but the ghosts of the drunken idiots leaning on your bar still stay with you, no matter where you go.

I can hear them in my voice every time I make a stupid sexist remark, I can feel them moving my feet as I start dragging them instead of lifting them up properly when I walk. I can hear their voices whispering in my head, every time I feel like bragging about a car, a bike, a girl I fucked.

I try to fight it, I wash my hair, wash my face, scrub my body every time I come home. I air the smell of cigarettes out of my clothes, I read good books, I try to talk to my friends, I try to think properly. But the drunken twits are right there, I can feel them looking trough my eyes, I can hear their stupid comments ringing in my head as I try to think properly.

I can see my friends slowly drifting away, they look at me and they don't understand, I look at them and a part of me can still relate to them, but there is this other part, this huge place inside me filled with the jabber of the alcohol infested idiots screaming in my head.

And then, there is she, the one I love, the one that loves the part of me that is still me, not the bar. She looks at me silently, her eyes full of understanding, full of sorrow, unlike my friends, she knows exactly what is going on, she is waiting for me to stop, to change back to being myself, but I can't the bar is calling for me. I need those idiots, I need them so I can feel superior, so I can feel at home. I can see her tears forming slowly as she bows her head trying to say "I'm leaving you" She can't say it, and I know I should do it instead, but I'm too selfish, to terrified by the thought of losing her, so I just stand there, silent, hoping she will give me a chance to get back to being myself.

And she does, and I do nothing.